The New Math Of Happiness

After my sister died, I spent a lot of time reflecting on her life and decision-making processes.  There were some things that she did that I simply didn’t understand when she was alive. When I’d ask her why she made some decisions, she’d roll her eyes and say, “Viv, I love you, but you’re an idiot.”  Inevitably, I’d smile and giggle a bit, then say, “I know that, but why are you doing this? It’s such a bad idea.” Maybe she knew that her life would be cut short, but she’d always reply with, “someday, you’ll get it.”

Now, a little background, my sister lived life to the fullest.  It was incredible. She traveled all over the planet, tried all sorts of interesting jobs, and was the first to stick her fork in an exotic dish.  She was, without question, the coolest person that I’ve yet to meet.

In one of our last conversations, she made me promise to be a braver person.  She said to me, “you’re insulting my intelligence by saying that you’re really living when you say no to everything.”  At her request, I promised that I’d make it a point to do something that scared me every day. Then she upped the request.  She said, “At least once a month, do something that terrifies you to the point of sleepless nights.” With my eyes wide, I replied with, “Fine.  I’ll do it.”

My sister died exactly six months later.

After she died, I was a mess.  Most of all, I was terrified. She was my rock, and now life was full of scary things with nobody to tell me that I was overreacting.  Nobody to lovingly tease me, and nobody to say that they were proud of me for being brave. The rug was pulled from under me. It felt like a freefall in slow motion.

The advice I was given by a shaman was, “be the person who is worthy of your sister’s admiration.”

As time went by, I made every effort to try to make decisions the way she would have.  In other words, I did everything that made the inner me cringe and the cerebral part of me convinced that my sister would have approved.  Life changed. It became richer, more real, and more authentic. Then, I understood why she used to roll her eyes at me.

There is something to be said for the long-term impact of regret versus the short-term financial loss of an experience.  For example, a year before she died, she wanted me to go on a weeklong family trip to Hawaii. She insisted and called several times to make her case.  I was convinced that the prudent thing to do was to stay at work because it was close to the holidays and added a list of other bullshit reasons.

In hindsight, I was an idiot.  It would have been our last trip together and there is no money in the world that would have afforded the possibility of bringing back that opportunity.  That incorrect choice created a lesson that I apply to all big decisions and when giving advice.

If we only have this one shot in life, is saying no to an opportunity going to create regret?

If it does cause regret, is the financial loss worth carrying that regret?